


Crashing

by WarriorBeeoftheSea



Series: Carry On Countdown 2019 [11]
Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Carry On Countdown (Simon Snow), DEC 05 - Angst Day, Depression, M/M, Post-Book 1: Carry On
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-05
Updated: 2019-12-05
Packaged: 2021-02-26 21:07:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,707
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21775324
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WarriorBeeoftheSea/pseuds/WarriorBeeoftheSea
Summary: Feelings catch up with Simon...
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Carry On Countdown 2019 [11]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1557757
Comments: 7
Kudos: 83
Collections: Carry On Countdown 2019





	Crashing

**Author's Note:**

> Don't get too excited, I published this before as a chapter in Furniture Arrangement. It felt odd to add to a fic I wrote so long ago, so I've decided to separate it out.  
> I am planning to continue this story line!

**Baz**

I'm not expecting Simon at my door, but I can't say I'm not pleased to see him.

And judging from the way he's pushing me against the open door frame, he's pleased to see me too.

"Snow," I mumble against his mouth, "I'm meant to be revising." I gesture vaguely with the book still clutched in my hand, a finger marking my place.

He pulls back, startled. "Are we meant to be revising already? Classes haven't even started." He frowns.

I close the front door and let Simon follow me to the sofa. "I don't know about your program, but mine sent me pre-work."

He flops down next to me, distracted, his brow furrowed.

"Hey." I lean into him and rub my thumb across the crease above his nose. "I didn't mean to make you worry."

He gives me a small smile. "Make it up to me?"

I shift closer to him on the sofa and settle my hand on his jaw. "Yeah? How might I do that, Snow?" I grin teasingly at him.

He grins back and waits for me to close the distance.

I do.

**Simon**

I'm not sure I knew what I wanted when I came here, but Baz knew. I'm spread out on his sofa with his solid weight on top of me.

We're snogging, of course. My fingers are tangled in his hair.

I woke today with an itchy feeling in my brain telling me to get up and _go_ but I had no idea _where._ Just get out of the flat. But everywhere I went gave me the same feeling. _Not here, get out of here._

Baz is good at smoothing over that itchy feeling. Or at least making me forget about it.

It's not working now, though.

_Why isn't it working?_

I need more. More of Baz, more of feeling good, making him feel _good._ I need to drown out this feeling.

I feel near frantic as I slide my hands down his body and rock my hips up into his.

**Baz**

Something's wrong.

I pull away from him and hold myself up on my arms. "Simon?"

He wraps his hand around the back of my neck, and looks at me with sad eyes. "Please, Baz. Make me stop thinking." He pulls me back down to him, and I let him.

He kisses me hard, like he's trying to smother his pain. Is he in pain? I think of his sad eyes and know he must be.

But he's kissing me in a near frenzy now, his tongue dipping into my mouth again and again.

**Simon**

I need... I need something new. That feeling I get when Baz and I escalate to a new milestone. Like my heart is bottomless, and I'll never run out of giddy joy.

It takes more and more to push away the darkness.

I gasp into his mouth. "I love you."

He pulls away and gives me a crooked smile. "I know. I love you, too."

My heart lurches. _No._ That's not how those words are supposed to make me feel.

I hide my face in his neck before he can ask what's wrong. Pull him to me and work at his skin with my mouth. He's mine, and I'll leave a mark to show it.

**Baz**

I feel confused and turned on, and vaguely wonder if this is some sort of boyfriend test that I'm failing. I've never been a boyfriend before, so I wouldn't know.

I almost decide to ask Simon. He has more experience with this whole boyfriend business. But then I almost laugh out loud. (The laugh twists into a moan. _Great snakes_ he's doing things to my _neck._ )

 _Are we about to have sex on my aunt's sofa?_ I'm not sure I'd mind. But then I remember Fiona bursting through the front door in an inane attempt to catch me doing exactly what I'm doing _right now_ and I hesitate.

Simon slides a hand onto my arse, over my trousers, and I gasp out, "Above the belt in the living room, Snow. Never know when Fiona might burst in."

**Simon**

That startles me out of my thoughts, and I can't help laughing against Baz's neck. I pull my hand back from his arse, but hitch my legs around his waist instead.

He groans. "That's not much better, Simon." But then he ruts against me, and I can’t help but smirk.

(And moan. Because he's rutting against me, and it feels good.)

I tip my head to suck Baz's earlobe into my mouth, and give it a gentle nip. I release it, and whisper hotly into his ear. "Do you remember what you asked me for the other night? When you were high?" I lick the shell of his ear, and he shudders against me.

"Yeah," he grunts out, and rolls his hips against me. I tighten my legs around his waist, linking my ankles behind his back.

I tangle my fingers in his hair and tug and he lets out a whine. "Baz," I whisper. "Do you want to fuck?"

He freezes against me, and I worry I’ve gone too far.

“Simon…” He pushes himself off of me, bracing his arms against the sofa. “Do you… do you actually want that right now?”

I let my legs go slack, and he draws his hips away from me. I try to look anywhere but at his face.

“Simon?”

I’m embarrassed and hurt, and that _bloody_ itching feeling in my brain is still there. “Get off of me, Baz.” I push against his shoulder with my palm.

 _Let me up before I cry._ I’m itching to get out from under Baz now, and I don’t know what to do with myself.

He lets me up, and I stomp to the loo before he can see the tears.

**Baz**

Something’s wrong. I don’t know what to do. _What do I do?_

I’ve half a mind to call Bunce, but I don’t know what I’d say to her. “Hello, Bunce, your best mate just asked to bugger me, but now he’s hiding in the loo. Any tips?”

To be honest, I feel a bit wrong-footed on this whole topic. Last time we discussed it at all, I was quite _impaired_. I can’t actually recall how much of it we even talked about. (I mostly just remember Simon, and my body humming, and him making me feel good.) ( _So good._ )

Something's wrong.

I sit back on the couch and push my fingers through my hair, trying to think through my next move.

**Simon**

I don’t know what else to do so I call Penny and tell her what happened.

“Where are you now?”

“I’m sitting on the floor of Baz’s bathroom.” I draw my knees up to my chest. “I feel right stupid for locking myself in here.”

“Simon… are you actually ready for _that_? I mean, are you and Baz ready to do that yet?”

I sigh and rub at my neck. “That’s sort of what he said, too.”

She doesn’t say anything. Just waits until I actually answer the question she asked. (She figured out years ago that that was the way to get answers out of me. Wait me out with silence.)

I try to make her wait, but I can’t. “Penny, I… I don’t think I am ready for that. Not yet, at least.”

“Why did you suggest it, then?”

I don’t know what to say, so I don’t say anything. I managed not to cry before, but now the tears are pricking at my eyes.

“Simon, are you still there?”

I wipe at the tears slipping from my eyes. “Yeah, I’m here.”

She’s quiet a moment. I hear movement, and I think she’s pacing our flat. When she speaks again it’s in a gentle, low voice. “Are you crying?”

I don’t say anything for a long time. “Yeah.”

“Do you want me to come get you?”

“I don’t know.”

Penny stays on the line with me while I cry, and she doesn’t ask any more questions.

**Baz**

Penelope actually messages me before too long. I nearly laugh when I see her icon pop up on my phone’s screen.

_Simon is sad. Give him a little time to fall apart, check on him in a bit._

I’m about to type out a reply ( _Why? What’s wrong? What did he say? Is he OK?_ ) when another message pops onto the screen.

_Don’t let him fuck you tonight. Says he’s not ready. He’s a moron, so might forget to tell you that part._

My face flushes with embarrassment. Of _course_ Penelope knows.

**Simon**

There’s a knock on the bathroom door. “Shit, Penny.” I messily wipe the tears from my face. “Gotta go.”

“Call me again in a bit, OK?” I hear the words she’s not saying. _Let me know if you need me to take care of you._ She’s spent so long taking care of me. Shame bubbles up in my gut. I wish she didn’t need to take care of me.

“Yeah, I will, Pen.” I end the call, and stand up to open the door and face Baz.

**Baz**

Simon is a right mess when he lets me in. We look at each other a long moment, and he tugs at his messy curls. “Hi,” he says weakly.

“What’s wrong, Snow?” His face falls, and I step closer, reach for him. “Simon.”

He doesn’t answer. His eyes lower to the floor, and I’m afraid of losing him.

“Simon.” He still won’t look at me. I cautiously wrap my arms around him, drawing him to me. “Love.”

At that, he leans into me, loops his arms around my waist. Buries his face in my neck. His sadness is palpable.

“What if I run out of love, Baz? What if I use it all, or burn it up, or it was never mine to begin with?” His fingers dig into the fabric of my shirt as he clutches at me. “What will I do?”

My heart breaks for him, like it has done so many times, and I fold him into my arms tighter than before, desperate. I don’t know what else to do.

All we can do is hold each other.


End file.
